I am, I genuinely am, not of dying, well no more than usual but actually about the next 2 months. I’m 48 hours away from a fairly big surgery and for the first time I can remember when faced with an operation I have genuine worries about it.
I’m not worried about the pain, the tubes in and out, the lying there watching the clock tick down wishing your body to mend faster so that you can get out of hospital and get home to your own bed.
To have your own things around you is so comforting and reassuring that it is all I can think of when I’m in hospital. To wake in your own bed rather than the non-bed sore causing, plastic covered moveable beds in the hospital but yet I digress.
No what I am scared of ,for the first time is what could go wrong with this, I ‘ve had major surgery before yet I think this is the first time I have ever truly listened to what could go wrong and the list is long. From blood loss as my tumour is next to an artery and vein, through to losing a Kidney, knicked bowel, going to sleep stomach and the list goes on. My favourite though is that there might be damage to the ejaculatory nerve; now I really don’t wan that one!!!
Is this because I’m getting older and less gung ho or is it the death of innocence. Precisely the reason that I am prosaic about what is happening is because I’ve been here before and done this before but the opposite side of that coin is I can remember what a drain tube feels like being pulled out of your body and I didn’t want to feel it again so now I have anticipation on top of everything else.
This follows through to my prospective Chemotherapy. Before I didn’t even know what it was, genuinely didn’t know if you sat in a bath, a large chamber or someone gave you a pill. This time I do know and all of the memories I had boxed off and dealt with are back with a vengeance.
I can smell the Chemo stink on my skin already, I can remember the restricted diet, the hair loss, the lines on my nails and the pervasive tiredness, the debilitating I am so tired but not sleepy feeling that crowds your every action. I have this to come, to look forward to and that is why I’m scared.
It’s an Icarus paradox in that what makes a thriver; an advocate and positive, my experiences are also my weakness right now. Despite me taking more from Cancer than it’s taken from me in this life; right now I am mourning the loss of my innocence and my god I hate Cancer for that.