The hardest call

I’ve made the call three times now and it keeps getting harder, not easier.  I am of course referring to the phone call to my parents to tell them I have Cancer.  Well specifically I’ve called them once to tell them I have Cancer and twice to tell them that it’s come back.  Which ever way you cut it though it still doesn’t get any easier.

I said after the first round with my illness and when I speak about the battle with Cancer that it is the people around you that suffer the most, they are the powerless ones.  Lying there with poison coursing through your veins or recovering from surgery for me has always been simple, it has to be done so let’s do it.  Watching the people around you try to come to terms with the impotence of their situation is the hard thing.

Seeing my Father crying or knowing that my Mother sobbed her self to sleep every night for three months is what breaks me every time.  These are people that in a perfect world would never have to contemplate outliving me, parents that should be able to put a plaster on a cut or an ice pack on a bump but what are they supposed to do in this situation.

I have never discussed this with them and I probably never will but I think if it were me and my child I would have to ask myself what did I do as a parent to bring this on my Child.  I know it doesn’t work like that but these are the sorts of things that go through my mind.

The first time I told them we were able to share in our shock and in our despair, mutually supporting each other through the dark hours. The second time I had become a survivor and I wanted to be the strong one , I wanted to let them know I was going to be alright that it will all be alright and that as I realise now is why I am the way I am.  I am a thriver, I am a patient advocate because it makes my life better to be this way and those around me lives easier because in my head they worry a little less.

The phone call this morning I was dreading, really dreading and it was as I expected it would be.  Shock, sadness, worry and me saying it will be ok, I’m all over this and I am going to fight this all the way again and will be stronger the other side except and this is my irrationality that I feel guilty for putting them through it again.  I know that is insane and that’s not how family relations work but that’s how my mind works.  What could I have done differently so that this didn’t happen again.?

I love my Parents the whole world and I know they’d swap places with me to spare me the pain but I wouldn’t want them to.  I’ve done 2 rounds and this time I’m going in for the knockout.  There’s a storm coming Cancer!

4 Comments Add yours

  1. missp77 says:

    That broke my heart, be brave, be strong, be fabulous xx

  2. Im impressed, I must say. Really rarely do I encounter a blog thats both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head. Your idea is outstanding; the issue is something that not enough people are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy that I stumbled across this in my search for something relating to this.

    1. Thank you so much for those wonderful words, I am sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge your message but it has been a difficult few months for me.

      Anyhow, thank you and i hope you like the more positive message to my blog now I am moving forwards.

  3. Maria says:

    I bet they’re so proud of you. I am x

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